Why Is It Increasingly Difficult for People to Harmonize in Modern Society?

In the rushed pace of the 21st century, we constantly face a bitter paradox: although the world is increasingly connected, people feel more lonely and struggle to build sincere relationships. From siblings, relatives, friends, colleagues, to neighbors, everyone seems to be wearing an invisible suit of armor, making interactions awkward, cold, or even confrontational.

We bring genuine goodwill to offer advice, but are met with annoyance, or a cold shoulder before we even finish speaking. Colleagues we see daily deliberately cause difficulty, erect unreasonable barriers, or worse, covertly undermine us. Social relationships are reduced to fleeting social meals and the exchange of highly formal “gifts,” devoid of human warmth. Ultimately, why is society gradually degenerating? The answer is not simple; it is the confluence of many profound factors, stemming from the rapid transformation of the era.

1. The Haste of Modern Life and the Disease of Time Scarcity

Modern life is defined by non-stop “acceleration.” From work, traffic, to information, everything demands maximum efficiency and speed. This haste has created a “disease” called time scarcity—the time dedicated to cultivating and maintaining quality relationships is drastically cut.

When every day is a race for survival, people are forced to prioritize what brings direct and immediate benefits. Instead of taking time to listen to a friend’s long story, they opt for a brief text message. Instead of visiting, they choose a hurried phone call. Physical and mental fatigue from the pressures of work, study, and earning a living cause people to withdraw, setting boundaries to protect their private space and remaining meager energy.

Root Cause: Economic pressure and increasingly high material demands force individuals to work tirelessly, leading to mental exhaustion. As personal energy depletes, the capacity for empathy, patience, and tolerance (the core elements for building relationships) also declines.
Consequence: The lack of time and patience makes people easily offended, annoyed, and lacking in understanding during communication. An unintentional word or a minor misunderstanding can easily be exaggerated into a major conflict because no one has the time or mental space to explain or soothe.

The ancients taught: “Tâm bình khí hòa” (A peaceful mind leads to a harmonious spirit). In today’s hurried society, people’s minds are always restless and rushed, so how can they maintain harmony and patience when interacting with others?

2. The “Capitalization” of Relationships: When Human Value is Converted into Money

One of the most painful truths of modern society is the thorough “capitalization” of social relationships. People are increasingly pragmatic, using material benefit as the sole measure to evaluate and maintain interaction.

The “Useful or Useless” Metric

Unconsciously, every meeting, social engagement, or even a simple greeting, is now implicitly tied to the question: “What benefit can I derive from this relationship?” A quick social meal is assessed by its profit potential; if there is no clear benefit, it is immediately dismissed. Conversations at the dinner table now revolve only around investment, profit, position, and one another’s “problem-solving ability.”

In Love and Marriage: The criteria for finding a partner have become distinctly materialized. The first questions are no longer about personality or soul, but “house, car, salary, what do your parents do?” People assign themselves to tiers valued by assets, only seeking “matching social status” based on financial balance sheets.
In the Workplace and Socializing: A person’s value is quickly converted into: “Is this person useful to me or not?” The ancients once bitterly concluded: “Bất tín thả khán bôi trung tửu, bôi bôi tiên kính hữu tiền nhân.” (If you don’t believe it, just look at the wine cup; every cup is first offered to the rich person). When communication becomes an exchange of benefits, sincerity and emotional connection are automatically excluded. The relationship is now merely “lợi ích chi giao” (a relationship of benefit)—if the benefit remains, the relationship remains; if the benefit is lost, the relationship ends.

Competition and Social Distance

The deepening gap between rich and poor creates invisible classes, even within seemingly homogenous groups (like retirees with different pension levels). The wealthy and successful easily find each other, creating a self-made “peer community” where they comfortably express generosity and find shared “kindred spirits.”

Conversely, those with low income and few assets feel hesitant, even inferior, when participating in social relationships. Material comparison, rivalry, and the tendency to “show off” or maintain “false pretense” in communication further increase the distance and discomfort. When people only come together for benefit or superficiality, true harmony is a distant dream.

3. Extreme Individualism and the New Independence

The development of the economy and society has enhanced the power and self-reliance of each individual. While in traditional societies, people had to rely on collective strength (family, village) to overcome difficulties (funerals, weddings, natural disasters), today, with the prevalence of “all-inclusive” services (funerals, mobile catering), every difficulty can be solved with money without needing the help of relatives or neighbors.

This leads to the rise of individualism pushed to the extreme: “Phi tất yếu, bất cầu nhân” (If it’s not absolutely necessary, do not ask others).

Spiritual Independence: When there is no need to depend on others materially, people strongly assert their “uniqueness.” They feel no need to yield, be tolerant, or be patient with others, and they also don’t want others to have to endure them. They seek absolute spiritual independence.
“Open” Relationships: Individual independence makes relationships looser. Even in an unstable work environment (“flowing troops, iron barracks”), collegial affection is no longer valued. Everything needs to be “spoken with money” (benefits, salary); speaking with emotion only causes hurt.

When everyone desires absolute freedom, not wanting to “move aside” for others even slightly, collision and difficulty in harmonization are inevitable. The ancients said: “Nhân chi sơ, tính bản thiện” (A person’s nature is fundamentally good). But when people stubbornly assert their individual ego without tolerance, the good nature is easily obscured by selfishness and difficult temperament.

4. Social Media and “Toxic Positivity”

The explosion of the Internet and social media is an undeniable factor in eroding trust and social harmony. Although social media connects, it creates profound negative impacts on how people perceive relationships.

The Amplification of Negativity and “Spiritual Poison”

In the digital age, anyone can become a “commentator” and share personal stories. Extreme, negative stories about the dark side of relationships (being deceived, betrayed, the malice of relatives) are easily spread and amplified.

“Spiritual poisons” (toxic advice) are rampant everywhere, such as:

“Kindness without shrewdness is just weakness.”
“Be wary if a person who hasn’t contacted you for years suddenly seeks you out.”
“Relatives are just relatives, no better than outsiders.”

These pieces of advice, though based on a few personal experiences, are treated as a “universal truth” and sow deep distrust in the reader’s mind. The Internet makes transparent (and even distorts) the inherently ambiguous hidden corners of human relationships. When everything is “seen through” and appears negative, people feel relationships are no longer interesting or meaningful.

The “Hedgehog’s Dilemma” and Fear of Communication

Social media uses specific, extreme examples as templates, causing people to constantly live in a state of “defense” and “self-protection.” Everyone becomes a “bristled hedgehog” when interacting. Interpersonal relationships become tense, scrutinizing, and cautious.

Even during in-person meetings, many people only look down at their phones, turning direct communication into an awkward and strained event. The comfort of not having to interact directly gradually makes people feel that “being alone is more pleasant” than having to socialize.

The ancients said: “Phòng nhân chi tâm bất khả vô” (The heart to guard against others should not be absent), but in modern society, caution has been pushed to the point of delusion and excess, causing people to lose the basic capacity for trust.

Solutions for Harmony in a Difficult Era

In this grim picture of modern human relationships, we cannot change the flow of the era, but we can change how we react to it.

Change What Can Be Changed (Blood Relations): With family and relatives, one must bravely put aside benefits and speak with human compassion and tolerance. The ancients taught “Taking a loss is a blessing.” In blood relationships, selflessness and accepting small losses to preserve the greater emotional picture are paramount.
Adapt to What Cannot Be Changed (Social Relations): For external social relationships, there is no need to try to change others. If society is pragmatic, accept that pragmatism to some extent, wisely protect your own interests, and avoid unnecessary social engagements. If communication is mandatory, go straight to the professional benefits without trying to cultivate non-existent emotional connection.
Narrow the Social Circle: Focus on cultivating quality rather than quantity. A harmonious family and three to five sincere, intimate friends are enough. The ancients said: “Tri túc tiện lạc.” (To know contentment is to be happy). Knowing contentment in the number of relationships will help us focus energy on what is truly meaningful.
Learn to Live Solitarily: At a certain age, people need to learn to accept and enjoy solitude (walking alone, eating alone, sleeping alone) with peace and freedom from worry. Independence and self-reliance in personal life are the solid foundation for not overly relying on or setting expectations for harmony from others.

In summary, the difficulty in human harmonization today is the product of an era guided by speed, materialism, and individualism, deeply affected by the negative amplification of social media. To regain peace, each individual needs to re-adjust their pace of life, reset their moral values, and learn to be selfless towards family and wise and self-reliant in social relationships.